Wednesday, April 11, 2012

submissive "needs", abuse and slave training

submissive "needs", abuse and slave training

After reading a few posts over the past weeks and after responding to an email. I have once again decided to discuss an area of BDSM that is controversial and will probably cause division among the communities opinion. I am bringing up the topic of the needs of a submissive; which in itself is a statement that is going to be met by both the stalwart slave and by Dominants with the usual a slave has no needs other than to serve there Owner from the extreme side; and with the of course from the We all have rights and needs side.

To begin let us look at the definition of an abusive relationship.
Stanford University describes it thus:
"Relationship Abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control her/him."
A diagram:…

and from
Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Do you:
feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
criticize you and put you down?
treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
blame you for their own abusive behavior?
see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Does your partner:
have a bad and unpredictable temper?
hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
threaten to take your children away or harm them?
threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
force you to have sex?
destroy your belongings?
Does your partner:
act excessively jealous and possessive?
control where you go or what you do?
keep you from seeing your friends or family?
limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
constantly check up on you?

Now when looking at that We can all smile because many of those things are part of BDSM relationships, while others are clear examples of abuse, as in having your rights as a human taken away.

A lot of it though is a gray area. The difference is that in an extreme BDSM relationship there is a background, a history, training, agreed terms before Ownership and a shared JOY over been able to live in an extreme 24-7 relationship, marriage or household. To the vanilla world and even the less extreme part of Our communities some relationships and activities appear unhealthy when they are not and others are just that unhealthy.

I can look at the example of Owning a slave who has no control of finances, over daily choices such as bathroom usage, time management, feeding times, and to be used at the whim of the Owner as a purely sexually object to serve who the Owner wants, a full time toilet, or to be kept in permanent restraint or to be degraded and humiliated or physically beaten on whim. I know a few and they know who they are that are either a) suited and happy in such relations or b) would be perfectly capable and happy living this way. These like Dominants such as Myself who practice on the furthest fringe of BDSM and enjoy things that make others feel sick or angered, are rare creatures.

I am a member of many groups on here and often active in participation on topics that take My interest. I see slaves who speak of having no rights, no limits, and that is how they must be, and I see them also feeling depressed, unworthy, and symptomatic of the unhappy slave. Yet all the while they say but I am happy i just wish I could better please My Owner. This post plays in a lot with My post on humiliation play and also the one on the potential for violent response.

So what am I trying to say here, that the extreme fantasies people have or the extreme relationships some live out are all wrong? Of course not; as for Me that is My life. I am saying though that a slave DOES have needs. At least at the beginning and that is where I make the difference. The training of a slave.

I see people young, old, male or female, who meet someone who wants to live out their Sadism and fetishes and it seems to start right way. I often have a lot of shocked responses and comments to photos that I post and share. Lots of FUCK NO's or OMG WHY or that is just SICK. Those come from the part of the community that does not participate in such activities and probably will never want to. Others express their desire to be able to mimic or be as well used by their Owner or potential Owner. People seem to be thrown into relationships, often young, or unsure of who they are; as they are naturally submissive they just want to please and will follow the orders. The Dominants, tops, Owners however We want to class them very rarely seem to talk about the more intimate dynamics of relationships. When you read some of these posts you wonder, how long have they been together, how were they trained, are they truly suited to this. At least that is what I wonder.

A toilet who is married to its Owner and treated with total disregard can work if that is who they are and they know they are secure in that place. If they did not have that security and were discarded and tossed aside suddenly they would be aware of their needs. Then perhaps they would feel like a man I met about 7 years ago I think now back on alt who realised after 4 or 5 years the household and relationship he had been in was abuse. This only came to be after he was discarded until then his life was what he thought he wanted.

So the sub and the slave does have needs and if you want to Own a slave to use as a toilet, or object of humiliation 24-7, or to inflict intense physical play on at your pleasure then you need to train them properly. Training allows you to discover if this person is going to benefit from a future like this or if it is the wrong path for them. This is where I see so little discussion in groups these days on the training process. It is also something as a professional I see completely lacking in most clients. If you were training for a marathon or an extreme sport would you just start one day and run the whole thing?, or would you find a mentor, a coach, get the right gear, discover if your physical and mental health is up to the challenge. Commitment to such things take huge amounts of dedication and effort from both the participant and the coach.

Slavery is no different.

When people wonder how My slaves can do what they do, they do not seem to stop and consider there must have been times they could not, that it took time training and building the key factor of trust. You can not push someone to their limits by simply beating them over and over until they give up and just do it, you can not degrade them and put them down so much that they just give up and become what you want. It does not work that way.

So let Me allow you to challenge My Dominance by saying very clearly, I treat My slaves as humans with needs, I build them up, I teach them to be strong. I allow for failure, I offer comfort and acceptance of failure. I want them to know that non completion of something is not the end of the world. It is simply the end of that days training and a time to look at where We broke and how and when We can try again to push past. During training they must be allowed feelings, they must feel able to express themselves without fear of hurting you, upsetting you or retribution. You are trained to be able to take those 300 whip strokes, or push your body to take 500 needles, or to consume as a toilet daily by practice, reassurance and confidence building. It may seem anathema to suggest building confidence in order to be able to have a slave to humiliate and degrade that will make people stop in public play and be shocked at what they can handle. There are many parts to training, for Myself it involves a lot of talking, meditative practices, and allowing the slave to be heard. It all allows you as the Dominant to see if this person can be molded into what you both want or if you are going to have to guide them down a different path.

You may think you or your slave are suited to the most extreme relationship you desire but are you really. Do you feel good if your slave feels they can not please you or is never good enough? Do you hold that over them to force them to improve? Then you are not training a slave you are abusing a relationship and a human being.

So now feel free to tell Me I am not truly extreme enough or that I lessen Female superiority because I can listen, motivate and give hugs when needed in order to get the slave I want. I as usual do not care what you think. I know that I find success in My training and it is why I have had happy slaves who have willingly found pleasure in exploring more and more extreme play and I am glad they feel strong and confidant in knowing that even if they fail, I still am there for them and will pick them back up, and keep Us moving forward.

So for those of you who have written threads in certain groups or sent emails or display feelings of emptiness and unworthiness. Take a good long look at whether you are truly the failure you think or if it is your Owner.

As always have a lovely day and thank you for reading.
Mistress Venom